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In Line At supermarket

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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can`t place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"

"No," she replies, "I`m your son`s English teacher."
 

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Funny Stuff.

THE BANK LETTER......

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A 96-Year-Old's Letter to the Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was
sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The
bank manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire income, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that
brie window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to
deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore
and hereafter no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a
Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even
further. When you call me, press the buttons
as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case
I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case
I am attending to nature

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if
I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a
password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen
to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending
the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve
a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client
 

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Funny Stuff.

Walmart application

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WAL-MART APPLICATION



Job application submitted by a 75 year old senior citizen to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:? Company's President or Vice President.? But seriously, whatever's
available.?????????????????????? If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:? $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package.? If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: ???????? Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:? A lot less than I'm worth

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:? My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

REASON FOR LEAVING:? It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:?
Any

PREFERRED HOURS:? 1:30-3:30 p.m Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:? On the job - no! ???????????????????????????????? On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:? Oh yes, absolutely.
 

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Funny Stuff.

The Future

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Thought for the day......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
 

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Funny Stuff.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime
I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think
of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel
it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can
do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify Me." The man thought about it for a long time.


Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 

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Funny Stuff.

A WOMAN'S PARABLE....



One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the
water and that she needed it to help her husband in
making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped his hand into the river. He held out a
silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?"! the Lord
asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all
three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the river bank and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her,
"Why are you crying?"
Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
Yes-Oh yes!," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is not true!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see! , if I had said 'no'
to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with
Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have
come up with my husband.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not
be able to take care of all three husbands,
so that is why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies,
it's for a good and honorable reason and in the
best interest of others.

That's our story and we're sticking to it.
 

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Funny Stuff.

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know. :D
 

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Funny Stuff.

The Top 15 Things "FEMA" Might Actually Stand For




15> Federal Emergency, My Ass!



14> Floodwaters Exceeding My Armpits



13> Feeble Efforts, Minimal Aid



12> Fundraising Earns Management Appointment



11> Flailing Energetically Means Assisting



10> Food, Electricity, Manpower? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!



9> Forgot Emergency Manual Accidentally



8> Finding Employment for Mealy-mouthed Ass-kissers



7> Fumble Everything, Mighty Asshats!



6> Finger Entry Method: Anal



5> Featuring Enron Managerial Accountability



4> Focused on Equines, Mostly Arabian



3> Finally Ejected Mike's Ass



2> Forget Everyone in Mobile, Alabama



and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing "FEMA" Might Actually Stand For...



1> Future Eatery Managers of America



ALSO................





Fast and Effective, My Ass!



First Eliminate Meaningless Acronyms



Flatulence Expulsion Main Achievement



Failure to Effectively Manage Anything



Friends Employing Multiple Amateurs
 

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Funny Stuff.

Dude, you're killing me!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 

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Funny Stuff.

Two men walked in to a bar and had a couple of drinks. the first one says to the second, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MUM. The second one looks at him with a funny look and the whole bar goes quiet to see what he will say. The first man says again, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MUM! The second turns around and calmly says, ''Go home dad, your drunk''

 

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Funny Stuff.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to forward and re-forward your emails and links to me over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample
and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 pm and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer.
 

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Funny Stuff.

NURSING HOME POLICE


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished a round in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again".
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Funny Stuff.

A lot of folks can't understand

how we came to have

an oil shortage here in America.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Oklahoma

and TEXAS

~~~

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in

Washington DC
 

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Funny Stuff.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
1. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 

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Funny Stuff.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.







How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo'sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
 

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30 ways to be offensive at a funeral

Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
 

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Funny Stuff.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and
his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and
wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower? "Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons
for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with
a tin
of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo
much
cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them
wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of
mules,
goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, " IN-LAWS "


W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a
day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"



CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where
he
knew
she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his
wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The
paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.
 
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